I will die if light touches me.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
