so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
