Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
