Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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