please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just threw up on my dentist
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize