Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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