"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
