I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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