textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize