If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize