I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
