no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
