I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize