Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
