if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
