just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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