just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
