We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
