i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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