Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
