i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
