in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize