Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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