i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He has the fingertips of a God
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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