If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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