i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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