foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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