I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
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