Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
