Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
We got so high we made milksteak
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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