I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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