It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize