Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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