By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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