He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
