so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
