I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
