Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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