If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
