Can i not drive my cunt home
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize