Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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