someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
