I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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