you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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