i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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