My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We're too hungover to prance.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
