dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
