you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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