Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
