I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
