my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
