party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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