Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
