I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
