I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
