I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
