I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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