I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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