fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
