you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
