Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
