Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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