I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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