saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize